In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
