Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
