my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
nutella sex= disaster
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
