I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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