we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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