Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
