i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
