we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
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I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
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Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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