Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
