Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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