he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
