My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
