he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
