Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
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