ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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