Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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