i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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