also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so let's talk penis.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
