If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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