apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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