i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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