Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
