If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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