Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
