I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
