walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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