2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
