her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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