i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
