I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
