Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
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She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
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If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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