I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
