And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
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It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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