I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
