i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
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Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
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You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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