I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
