How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
