FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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