I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
