just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
