how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
