i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
