:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
