Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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