for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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