Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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