I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
