oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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