She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
