I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
