Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
