Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
