Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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