I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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