I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We had sex on a dog bed..
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
