How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
