I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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